Entering the abortion clinic’s waiting room for the first time, I found it to be filled with people sitting on colorful plastic chairs filling out medical forms. As I crossed the room, not one person made eye contact with me.
When it was time for an abortion, a nurse appeared and called the first name of the next patient. As their names were called, women would pass through the windowless double doors, alone, leaving behind the friend or loved one who waited to drive them home after the abortion.
After many women had been called, it was finally my turn. I went through those doors to a small room where I undressed and sat on the examination table. I was afraid of having an abortion, but even more afraid of leaving without having the “procedure” done. I laid back on the table and allowed the abortionist to remove the baby from my womb.
The abortionist used a vacuum suction machine that was attached to a glass collection bottle placed under the table. I cried as the nurse told me to relax, that it would be over soon. My baby died that day. A part of me died, too. It went away through the suction tubing that removed the child from my womb.
After the abortion, alcohol and drugs became my good friends. In a few months, I was pregnant again. The baby’s father did not want me to abort our baby, but he drove me to the clinic anyway. I just wanted everything to be over.
This time a nurse held my hand while they did the abortion. I didn’t cry, but kept my eyes tightly closed. I tried to think of something else . . . anything to distract me from the sounds of the vacuum machine . . . anything to avoid feeling the pulling and tugging going on inside my womb. Once again, my “problem” drained away into the collection bottle on the floor beneath the table.
Following the second abortion I continued to “medicate” myself with drugs and alcohol, and not surprisingly, I became pregnant again.
This time I went alone to the now familiar abortion clinic. After the procedure was over, while I was still on the table, the doctor showed me the results of my abortion -- a bloody, brownish mass. My first reaction was shock. How dare he show me that? I got out of there as fast as I could, fuming over his callousness. In the parking lot I lit a cigarette and thought about what a jerk he had been to me, a paying customer!
As my life careened out of control, my actions led to a fourth pregnancy. Looking for another abortion, I contacted a friend hoping she would finance it. She couldn’t help me. I considered ending my life by simply driving my car over a cliff. I reasoned that if I was to die all my problems and pain would be gone. However, I quickly abandoned the thought of suicide, worrying I might not succeed in killing myself.
While searching for a way out of my dilemma, I opened the yellow pages and found the number for a pregnancy help center. The center helped me get an ultrasound and I was confronted with the fact I was well into my fourth month of the pregnancy. Reluctantly, I began to face the fact that this pregnancy was going to continue.
Then began a painful time of decision-making. I knew I wasn’t ready to be a parent. So a few months later, when I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, I placed him into the waiting arms of his adoptive mother.
During that pregnancy I had begun to make outward changes in my life by stopping the chemical use and the promiscuity, but my heart had not changed. Within two months after my son’s birth, I was back to my old ways. At some point I had contracted gonorrhea that led to a serious case of pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). I spent a week in the hospital fighting a raging infection. This problem slowed me up a little, but I was still determined to do what pleased me.
I had not counted on the fact that God had other plans for me. Over the next month a regular customer at the restaurant where I worked began to talk to me about God. He played his guitar for me and shared songs he had written while serving time in a state prison. His songs reflected God’s love and willingness to show grace to people if they would repent and acknowledge Him as Savior.
In the Bible, I found Romans 3:23, which told me that “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.”
The promise of John 3:16 gave me hope: “God so loved the world [even me] that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
I soon began to see the truth about my life from God’s perspective. I was a haughty, proud and selfish woman in desperate need of a Savior. I finally yielded my rebellious and sinful life to Him and I received Jesus Christ as my personal Savior.
Mourning over my sin, I was comforted to read Isaiah 1:18. It says, “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow: though they are red like crimson they shall be as wool.”
There had been plenty of scarlet in my life but God, through His amazing grace, had washed me white as snow. God did not give me what I deserved; instead He showed me incredible mercy.
Romans 8:1 states: “There is no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” Once I repented, God began to change me, from the inside out.
Someone once said, “Life can be the same after losing a trinket but not after losing a treasure.” I lost three treasures when I aborted my children and I lost more when I squandered my sexual purity in search of fulfillment.
God granted me mercy, grace and salvation from my sins through His Son, Jesus Christ. He also granted me the privilege of marrying the man who led me to Christ. There was however another expression of God’s grace yet to come. Over the next five years God granted me the joy of giving birth to two more beautiful sons. He allowed life to emerge from a place where once death had reigned!
As a woman who has experienced God’s amazing grace in forgiveness from sin in general and abortion in particular, I want you to know that there is hope and healing available through Jesus Christ.
If you are reading this and are in need of healing from a past abortion or if you need help to turn from sexual sin in your life, please feel free to contact me. It will be my privilege to show you from the scriptures how you, too, can experience His amazing grace!
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